Immediately, if not Sooner

A good friend of mine found some poems I had written some time ago. I think somewhere around 8th or 9th grade. Sometimes I forget that I was writing things that long ago. I enjoy this piece of writing, I like the implications. It has a sense of urgency. I've edited some parts for grammar and form. Thanks Lindsey!

Immediately, if not Sooner; Barely, if at all.

She wakes from her sleep,

As if there was anything else

That she could wake up from:
A sleep without rest (while eyes shut)

And dreams of my inconspicuous touch.

She wakes and walks out of her room,

And inside her heart has yet to consume
The new day.

She looks at herself with discomfort,

Knowing that beside her I am not.

Then, immediately, if not sooner,

Falls into the mindless sleep

Where and which I am so retained.

She dreams about how I touch her

Immediately, if not sooner;

Barely, if at all.

Neither of us awake.

One major difference in my writing now versus then, I believe, is imagery. I have always been good at invoking emotions (this poem as case in point) but now I try to bring elements that not only let you feel the emotion, but see the environment in which they exist. A fun challenge for me: I am going to re-write this poem with my current style.

Immediately, if not Sooner; Barely, if at all. (version 2)

She wakes from her sleep,

As if there was anything else

That she could wake up from.
As if there was any other cloud
She could fall down through.
Restlessly she clutches,
As the clouds transform to sheets.
The same white, soft, and still she dreams.

Eyes tightly shut, the essence of
My inconspicuous touch.

She wakes and walks out of her room,

Although her heart has yet to consume,
Has yet to bloom, has only swooned.
Has only forfeited and
Foreshadowed the pending doom.

All of this in a discomforting look.
In the mirror, where two bodies once stood,

Now one must occupy the space alone.

Then, immediately, if not sooner,

She falls back into the sleep

Where and which
I am so effortlessly retained.
A backwards dive off the highest loft,
A free-fall head first, hands open,
Body willingly engaged: she falls.

She dreams of how I touch her

Immediately, if not sooner;

Barely, if at all.

Neither of us awake.

It is a bit contrived, I know, but I did it on the spot. Do me a favor, leave me a comment on which version you like best. Version 1, or version 2.